i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
