can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
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