I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
