Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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