My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize