There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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