Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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