he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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