Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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