You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize