so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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