I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
3pm strippers are depressing
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
