How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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