So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Is it because I queefed?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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