i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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