And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
