my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
