my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
