He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
