Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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