I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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