I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
When did angry sex become our thing?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
