I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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