But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
