When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
