After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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