Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize