New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
