nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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