my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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