I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
