If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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