Kareoke will never be a sober sport
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
