Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
