I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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