I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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