I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
