Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
