My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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