the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
