I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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