Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i've created a new STD.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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