I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
