totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
