I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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