She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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