so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
