Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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