How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
