Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
