I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
