Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize