Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
