We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
