when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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