none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
