I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
