every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
